Don't touch me!

My Yahoo weather app tells me that there is 98% humidity today. I'm not quite sure what that means, all I know is that I'm uncomfortable as hell and I've spent the last hour in a state of nudity, being blasted by the shiny, new fan that we purchased yesterday as I broke the last one. I know you're thanking me already for that great mental image I've just created right there.

Anyway...

I have pretty much banned my other half from touching me today as I just can't cope with any level of physical interaction whilst I feel more clammy than the Krusty Krab diner sign. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" has been my buzzword, (or should I say, buzz sentence) today and whilst lying in my darkened bedroom, attempting a pre night out nap, I began thinking of all the occasions where touching me is not acceptable. This is what I came up with...

Don't touch me when:

- I'm hot. I do NOT need you to start giving me any of your extra body heat thank you very much.

- I have just applied a heavy slathering of fake tan. Ever heard of streaks? Jeesh!

- You have got gross stuff on your hands. You have just been stuffing a chicken, now is not the time to touch me.

- I'm changing this one to; Do not touch my face when I have just applied my make-up. I will glare at you with complete and utter annoyance if you dare to do this.

- Your hands are cold. I am not a hot water bottle. Buy some gloves.

- I am tangled up in a difficult-to-operate strappy top, whilst heaving my skinnies up over my ass. Pick a better moment.

- I'm deep in concentration. This can be anything from painting my nails, to browsing the 'new in' section of ASOS. If after the fifth time of saying my name, I have not answered, or simply grunted a response, just go and play FIFA.

- I am ticklish. Some days I can totally stand you stroking my feet, other days I will kick you and you MAY lose a tooth.

- Just don't touch my stomach, EVER without making your intentions crystal clear beforehand or at least going in slowly so I have time to suck that bad boy in.

- I'm suffering from a stage ten hangover. I will probably vomit on you. Just feed me pork-based products and tell me that I look radiant.

I think I'm going to print this off and leave it lying around for my other half to casually come across. Feel free to do the same!

Kirsty xx