10 lies you tell yourself - (and what they really mean)

1. If we don't mention the piece of chocolate we just ate, it doesn't count. If we don't talk about the bar of chocolate, the bar of chocolate doesn't exist.
- Fuck, I just ate a bar of chocolate, three pieces of cheese and a potato waffle that's been in the freezer since 1998. The. shame. 
2. I'll have plenty of time to wash my hair in the morning if I set my alarm to go off 15 minutes earlier.
- I'm not washing my hair tonight, tomorrow morning or probably for the next few days. I'm gonna snooze that damn alarm too. 
3. I'm feeling really organised and productive today. 
- I made a list of blog post ideas on the back of my Gregg's sausage roll wrapper and scribbled, 'must buy more cheese' into my diary.
4. I'm a lover not a fighter.
- Touch my chips one more time dick head and I will remove each of your fingers using a spatula. 
5. I look so much sexier with a splash of fake tan.
- Okay, I stink. Don't stand too close, hold your breath and squint slightly cause I got streaks bigger than a buffalo's back side but I guess I look good! 
6. A gin and slimline tonic please, I'm dieting.
- Six gin and tonics, a shot of that red stuff, a glass of free champagne for having a dance off with Raving Pete, three bites of a random's kebab and a battered Mars bar pizza with extra mushrooms, dahling. 
7. Treat em mean, keep em keen.
- OMG! I can't stand it when you ignore my messages. Where have you been? I called you like fourteen times, including your house phone. Your mum answered. Apparently Rachel called earlier looking for you. Who the fuck is Rachel? Can you just send me a message to let me know you're alive. I know you were on Whatsapp at like, 4:00pm. Call me. 
8. I'll start on Monday...
- I need these extra days to think of an excuse to not start on Monday.
9. There's no harm in looking. I don't need another lipstick/nail varnish/pair of shoes anyway.
- I'm looking with intent bitches. You can bet your ass I'm going to buy something. 
10. I'm really in touch with my emotions.
- I'm one hormonal son of bitch... Pass me a Kleenex, someone's Aunt's dog had a triple heart bypass on X Factor and they've written a song about it... balling girl, literally balling!